Autumn Roads

The year was 1963.


It was the heyday of cherry cokes and muscle cars. The Beatles sang “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” Trouble loomed in a small, far off Asian land named Vietnam. But Roadrunners and “hemis” and 409’s dominated the young boys thoughts as they went off to college. Their parents had survived World War II and come back with a vengeance to build a booming economy and were determined that their children would go to school and become doctors and lawyers and nurses and teachers. It was indeed an age of innocence. This young generation known as the “baby boomers” would grow up in an idyllic age of prosperity and happiness. Many of the young girls went off to college to meet those future doctors and lawyers. Many went off to become teachers and nurses. Their parents promised their daughters they would be well educated and independent and have opportunities that their mothers never had. Their children’s youth had been a happy time of Buddy Holly and bobby socks and poodle skirts and the Everly Brothers and Elvis Presley. Beatniks, peace signs, drugs, and war protesters were far into the future. The American dream was never greater. The sons in the North would become industrial tycoons and those from the South would become generals in the armed forces.

The dusty southern roads were filled with sons drag racing their parents’ 1954 Plymouth station wagons. And summer evenings were spent at the drive-ins where the adventurous few discovered those mysteries whispered about in the high school locker rooms. Sons and daughters knew that future success would hinge only upon education and hard work. Most of their parents had not been to college, but all were determined that these children would have a head start. And they saved and sacrificed to send these children off to college. “College” was the guarantee of future success and success was within the reach of all. Universities overflowed with optimism and hope. The children of the South took special pride in what was perceived as a more “genteel” way of life and the poorest son somehow identified with the plantation owner of one hundred years ago. They would all grow up to live the pride, heartbreak, and passion of “Gone With The Wind.”

The hometowns of most of the southern state universities were alike. And Lexington was especially proud of being in the midst of the Bluegrass and the glamour of thoroughbred horse racing. Central Kentucky had always identified more with the South than the other regions of the state. For here the farms were large and more similar to “plantations.” Everyone accepted his or her lot as inevitable for this was the way of the world. The sons would grow up and assume much more important community roles than their fathers. And perhaps, might even become governor! Their youths had been spent preparing for this chance at success - a college education.

And so, at eighteen years of age, Robert Joseph Warren, one of those sons of the South went off to college to live the dream that he and his parents had had all their lives. He had spent that summer working on a towboat on the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers as a deckhand. It paid well and was exciting and he traveled from Louisville to Pittsburgh to New Orleans to Chicago to St. Louis, but it was time to start the real journey. He would become a lawyer and move back to his hometown, go into politics, and eventually run for governor. He never knew when that decision had been made - it had always been that way. Bobby Joe had been a good student in high school - “A’s” and “B’s”, and had belonged to all the proper clubs. A combination of shyness and being from the “country” kept him from being completely socially accepted in the “elite” city set, but he was popular enough and had already begun to hone his political skills. Good grades came easy for him - he simply read the books and repeated the information back on the tests. Life was good and “Governor” had a realistic ring to it. If “Happy” Chandler and Bert Combs could do it, so could he.

September days in Lexington are glory days. Days lightly kissed with warmth, redolent with autumn leaves and tobacco, and blessed with the surety that this is the center of all that is good. Complemented with the hope and optimism of youth, the fall of 1963 in Lexington was indeed the center of the universe. Life was wonderful and life was easy. In the fall, Bobby Joe went off to college and soon began his first real attempt at politics - he ran for office as treasurer of his dorm. As the election neared, politics became more intense and he was approached and offered a “deal”. If he would drop out and support another candidate, the incoming president would appoint him to another office that held more long-term promise after the election. His “campaign manager” agreed that it would be in his best interest and so the “deal” was done. Needless to say, after the election, there was no appointment and there was no campaign manager. It was a lesson learned and never forgotten.

But during the election campaign, while “glad-handing” the voters, he was urged to meet a particular young girl. As were all boys of that age, he wasn’t really averse to meeting her but she couldn’t vote in the election for the boy’s dorm so there was some reluctance. But his friend insisted and introduced him to Linda Marie Alexander. She stood on a step in front of him at eye level, offered a shy and tender smile, and looked directly into his eyes. For the first time ever in his life he saw what has motivated men since time immemorial. He saw “I like you and might be interested in getting to know you if you behave!” She was tall and very shapely and reminded him more of a sultry Ann-Margret than Marilyn Monroe. Her simple, straight, light-gray patterned dress buttoned up to the neck with a small round white collar said “I prefer the simple, conservative fashion and still have the values my parents gave me.” Her long brown straight hair that was wrapped in a coil piled on top of her head said “I may be a little old fashioned but I am also sophisticated and possess a classic sense of style!” Her voice was soft and tender and matched her smile. It seemed as if by simply shaping a little curve in her mouth one knew what she felt and was going to say. Her speech said, “I am from the North and I come from a good family and I am intelligent.” Her hands were long and slender and warm and said, “I will touch you lovingly if you really care for me.” Her eyes were green and intense and said “I am a passionate woman if you are the one I choose.” And her friendliness said, “You’re cute. Why don’t you ask me out?”
When Bobby Joe “came to,” she was gone, swallowed up by the crowd. At age eighteen, it isn’t difficult for a young man to “fall in love.” And Bobby Joe was in love. After a few days search, he found her in Boyd Hall, a girls dorm across campus. It is easy for a boy to ask a girl for a date if he isn’t particularly serious, but when that girl hangs the moon and holds all hope of any happiness for the boy, it becomes a different matter. Did he misread what her friendliness said? She’s from the North and sophisticated and not interested in a country boy from Kentucky! If she declines, it is a given that he will never draw another breath of air. If she declines, he will curse himself for daring to believe that any beautiful woman would ever want to go out with him! If she declines, she might laugh at him for even entertaining the idea that she found him attractive. But if she should say, “Yes,” the heavens will open and the stars will shine just for them! The moon she hung will light their path and she will guide him for all the rest of his days through happiness and ecstasy! Bobby Joe had to make that choice.

After several days of life=threatening, heart-rending deliberations, he knew he had to try.... When he called her on the phone, he knew she wouldn’t be able to hear him speak for the pounding of his heart. But somehow she did and somehow she accepted his invitation! Linda Marie Alexander would be seen with him in public! Linda Alexander might hold his hand and smile that tender smile at him! He wouldn’t stop at being governor! He was going to be president of the United States! Bobby Joe was in love.

And the flame was kindled....

During he ensuing weeks and months they were inseparable. They vowed to study quietly together at the library, but invariably ended up in the botanical gardens doing things that normal eighteen year olds do when they are in love. The warm autumn nights, the sweet smell of new-mown clover, her tender gentle caress, and the softness of that little spot at the base of her neck were enough to endanger all the values their parents had taught them! There were Sunday afternoon walks hand in hand through the fallen leaves. Once, at a drugstore stop for a soda, as they sat across from each other in a booth, Linda slipped off her shoe and gently touched his shin with her toes. Bobby Joe never forgot that tender, loving, provocative touch! Most nights ended sitting outside her dorm in the shadows until two minutes before curfew. Bobby Joe would trace with his finger on her forehead the word “mine” and he knew he had never known such a tender, gentle, loving person. But they never really did anything their parents would disapprove of, except not study enough! Classes, school, studies, and life in general simply served as a backdrop for their relationship. One night they went to a local restaurant and Bobby used his few years of French to convince the waitress he was from France and Linda apologized for her friend’s poor English! They were madly in love. And Bobby Joe’s thoughts progressed to marriage. And he began to struggle with his feelings. If he were to marry, he would never complete college and fulfill his and his parents’ lifelong dream. There was no way to support a wife. There was no acceptable answer. But if they continued, marriage was a certainty. As this weighed upon his mind, a distance began to come between them. Linda knew that something had changed and she reacted also. Finally, the decision was made that they should stop seeing each other. And there were tears and heartache.

And the flame flickered....


1964.

The fall school term of 1964 was not promising. Linda had decided to stay in her hometown of Flint, Michigan and go to school. Bobby Joe had not applied himself properly last year and was on probation, but knew he simply had to “read” a little more and all would be fine. His family had moved that summer from Winchester to Lexington so he would live at home while going to school. The haunting memories of the previous fall would never be matched again. Unhappiness, stress, poor study habits, and the sudden realization that maybe he didn’t want to return to Winchester after college combined to produce another dismal showing in school. So, in March of 1965, with his father’s blessing and guidance and his mother’s reluctance, the young man left for the North to find a job as so many of the sons of the South had done before him.

1965.

Assembly line work at a General Motors plant in Dayton. Summer school courses at the University of Dayton. 1964 red Chevy Super Sport “327”. Cruising with his buddies after working second shift. The dream of eventually returning triumphantly home with his law degree still alive. A little pocket change for “glass packs” for his car. The Rolling Stones and “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.” A more serious approach to school work showed results and he decided that life in the North wasn’t as bad as envisioned. And with GM helping pay tuition, why not continue for the next year? Going to school full time and working full time was manageable. But he never forgot those autumn nights with Linda. And he was lonely. And when autumn, that special time of their love, came, he again found the courage to call Linda. She was surprised, pleasant, and invited him to come visit with her family in Flint. She was as he remembered. And now he added monthly trips to Flint to a job and school. The winter passed.

And the flame was rekindled....


1966.

Their relationship now had again become serious. There was true passionate love and daily letters and poetry. Linda’s family welcomed him freely. He played basketball with her brothers and watched dumbfounded as her mother would come into the living room after washing dishes and sit in Linda’s father’s lap and laugh and tease with him. Her parents’ relationship made a lasting impression upon Bobby Joe. They were free and easy and fun. Her mother was an impish angel and her father smiled and laughed and was interested in the young man, but still found time to intimidate in affairs of his only daughter’s heart. And love and passion and adoration and worship turned to thoughts of marriage.

nd the flame burned brightly....

During July of that summer, Linda’s father drove her down to Dayton to spend a weekend with Bobby. They lied and told her father they were going to visit his family in Lexington. Bars were plentiful and they visited all the “hot spots” and were madly in love. Linda was three weeks older than Bobby Joe and once, when they went to a bar, Linda was “carded” first and Bobby Joe knew a most embarrassing moment was about to happen because he had yet to turn twenty-one! Much to his relief, the waiter passed over him without comment and Bobby thanked his lucky stars for such a stroke of luck!

When they were apart, daily letters were exchanged. Their souls were on the pages of those letters. Bobby Joe became a poet and wrote her poems. They shared everything and knew each other as few other people could know each other.

Love continued to bloom and shortly Bobby Joe realized they were in the same situation they had been in Kentucky. He loved her desperately and thought of marriage. They were older now - twenty-one. They could marry now and he would be able to offer her a life that would include second shift factory work, full-time school during the day, studies in the evenings, and a small bare apartment away from all her family and friends. Sadly, he knew that in spite of their excitement of planning to get married he could not ask her to make that kind of sacrifice. And in that special time of their love, autumn, he told her again that they were too young and must not continue. He tried to make her see that it was his love for her that motivated his decision. But Linda Marie only knew she loved him with all her heart and what he could “offer” her was not important. They would grow up together and make a home as their parents had done - one step at a time. She didn’t need the things he said he wanted to give her. She needed him. But Bobby Joe was from the South and men were the providers and were taught that they must be “successful” when they married. He was not exactly on the road to the governorship yet. And Bobby Joe made the sacrifice and gave up the only girl he would ever love. Their hearts were broken, but Bobby knew in his heart he was doing the right thing for Linda.

And the flame flickered....

Contact was lost and there was only emptiness where there had been Linda. Bobby Joe filled his life with school, his job, family, and more expensive hot rod pursuits. Someday he would be governor and he would come back for her.


1967.

In the summer of 1966, Bobby Joe had made a life changing decision. He had been offered an opportunity to be part of a new experiment in General Motors. Business was good and supervision was scarce. There needed to be a compromise between GMI graduates and hourly job setters being promoted to management. GM was starting a new training program for supervisors and wanted to select young men who had some factory experience and were showing initiative on their own to get a college education. Bobby Joe was offered a spot in that new program. With his dream of becoming governor of a state that he didn’t even live in fading quickly, he opted to pursue the goal of becoming president of General Motors (or at least vice-president!). And so at the age of twenty-one in December, 1966, he became a member of GM management. He changed his major at the University of Dayton and knew he could become one of those industrial tycoons! Maybe at last he could entertain those thoughts he had harbored for four years! If he could just get on a little more solid ground financially, he knew he had at least something to offer Linda Marie. But it wasn’t time yet.

And in that special time of their love, autumn, Linda unexpectedly telephoned Bobby Joe. Linda Marie did not know of those secret hopes Bobby had harbored. She did not know that he had loved only her since that fall evening in 1963. After a few mundane introductory exchanges, Linda Marie tenderly told Bobby Joe she was going to get married. Shock and disbelief and silence.... When he asked her if she really loved this new person, she began crying and could not answer. He knew he was about to lose his dream. He was about to lose his Linda Marie. He had only this one chance. He told her she had two choices. One, she could cancel the wedding and they would get married immediately, or two, there would still be a wedding but with a different groom! After earnest assurances that he was serious, she agreed. Bobby was in some amount of shock after the phone call, but, as he realized what he had done, he knew it had to be. He still could not offer her what he thought he should be able to give her, but if it meant losing her now he would just have to work harder. His dream would come true.
And the flame rekindled....

As he sat in stunned silence on his bed and tried to imagine what changes would have to be made immediately, the telephone rang. It was Linda Marie’s father. He told Bobby Joe that he had just spent the last hour with his daughter in her room and that she had told him of their phone call. Mr. Alexander was not one to be trifled with when affairs of his daughter’s heart were at stake. He told Bobby Joe to not start this all over again; that Bobby had already broken his daughter’s heart twice before and to not do this again. He and Linda Marie had talked this over and agreed that she did not want to marry Bobby and that she did not want to talk to him; and that this new person would be a good husband and provide well for her. And he asked Bobby man-to-man to leave his daughter alone and that was the wish also of his daughter. Mr. Alexander loved his daughter and only wanted her happiness. Those key words had been spoken - “provide well for her”. Bobby knew he could not do that. And if Linda Marie truly had changed her mind, he would abide by her wishes. And so he promised Mr. Alexander that he would not interfere with his daughter’s happiness. And again there was only emptiness where Linda had been.

And the flame ebbed low....

And Linda Marie was married in December of 1967.


1969.

Vietnam. The horrors of war were available for all to see on their TV set after dinner. Atrocities and massacres were weekly occurrences. Protesters and “peace-niks” were demonstrating and chanting “We won’t go!” The Kent State University tragedy brought all these horrors to our backyard. Young men left for Canada in droves. Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs and Country Joe and the Fish played the anthems of this generation of young boys. Mothers cried and minorities screamed “discrimination”. The world and America were at war. Those who were not fortunate enough to wrangle deferments went to war and those middle class sons of veterans of World War II went to war and those Southern sons raised to honor the military career went to war. And Bobby Joe submitted to the draft in January, 1969.

After basic training at Fort Knox and a few months as a mail clerk there, he too received orders to report to Vietnam. But while he was home on leave first, orders came changing his destination to Korea. Emotions were mixed. He wanted to do his part, but he didn’t particularly want to die either. But the choice was not his. It had been made for him. He reported to the Second Infantry Division HQ at Camp Howze on the DMZ. He became a personnel specialist and Army life was easy compared to that in Vietnam. Division headquarters personnel worked and lived in quonset huts; each containing about six GIs. Camaraderie was high - there was a feeling that those assigned here were elite and not to be sacrificed as others. It wasn’t true but the feeling was there. Their jobs were pretty much 8 to 5 and free time was adequate. It was a time of beer, marijuana, booze, girls, stereos, and cynicism. Some did and some didn’t. Bobby Joe had been mostly “straight” all his life but there had always been some pressure to be one of the guys. He formed great friendships and did his job well. He wrote regularly to one of his female cousins and a young girl he had just become acquainted with before leaving for the Army. There were no American girls within a hundred miles - or at least any that would be seen with a regular “GI” He came home on mid-tour leave once. The events of his life had combined to temper his outlook and there was a sadness in his eyes that other women saw and remarked upon. Some called him “Grandfather Bear”. But his friends called him “Gorilla” and his best friend was a short guy named Jay Tafoya from Colorado they called “Monkey”. Monkey and Gorilla were the best of friends.

1970.

One cold night in late winter of 1969 - 1970, on his way to walk guard duty for the night, Bobby Joe stopped in the camp snack shop to get something to take with him to eat. It was like all the other low, mean little quonset huts huddled in the hills near the DMZ, but the food was hot and Bobby didn’t like to miss a chance to eat. As he stood in line for his food, a voice behind him said “Bobby Joe?” It was an American girl’s voice. He hadn’t seen an American girl in six months and there were certainly none in this God-forsaken place halfway around the world. When he turned, he was face-to-face with Linda Marie! They stood there dumbstruck for a moment and then realized it was true. She appeared to be about six months pregnant and was more beautiful and glowing than he had ever remembered! And beside her stood her husband! He and Bobby Joe worked in the same section together and spoke to each other every day! Amidst the shock and tears, the three of them sat at a table and marveled at such a coincidence. She had recognized his hands from behind before she had even seen his face. She had been staying in an apartment in Seoul, working at 8th Army HQ, and was leaving the next day for the States to return to her family to have their first child. It didn’t take her husband long to realize who was who here and he immediately began ushering his wife away. But Bobby had seen the look on Linda’s face. And she had seen his. It had been a long time since those nights on the steps at school in Kentucky. But nothing had changed. Her tenderness, her warmth, and her passion were still there on her face and in that little curve in her mouth. And they still loved each other.

And the flame flickered....

That night as Bobby Joe walked guard duty, there was only silence to remind him of his lost chance for real happiness. The sadness and tears flowed and the shock drove him crazy. The next morning, he knew Linda Marie was gone again and there was only emptiness. But this time he didn’t have the strength to overcome. He broke down and found his friend, and Monkey took him to the infirmary. The next few days were a haze; a gauze-like curtain covered reality and hysteria and tears ruled. When he returned to reality and the shock lessened, sadness and regret etched his face and heartache filled his mind. Nothing mattered now. She was lost forever. Weeks passed and thoughts of Linda Marie filled his days. He had to know if she was OK. Was she happy? Had she had her baby? He knew he must not contact her, but he had to know.... He wrote her parents and told them of the meeting and that if they would tell him how she was, he promised not to contact her. Her father replied that she was fine and very happy and to remember his promise.

Bobby Joe succumbed to “the good times” and lost his way. His friends knew what had happened, but there was nothing to be done. Only Monkey stood by the Gorilla and watched out for him. A Gorilla can be a heavy load for a Monkey.

Somehow, Bobby Joe got by and time passed and he was discharged from the Army in October of 1970. He returned home and went back to his management job at General Motors. He re-enrolled at UD and took part-time classes day and night. But he had acquired bad habits in the past six months. And the hurt was always there. As was the case with a lot of returning GIs, good times were the rule. The hurt could never be shared for there was only sadness to share. Life went on, mixed with heartache and bad habits. And he knew there was no hope.

1972.

He had graduated from the University of Dayton in May with a degree in Industrial Management and his parents attended the graduation ceremony. It was a proud day for them. But Bobby knew the truth. Two years had been lost looking for happiness in a bottle. Finally, after an especially bad time of going nowhere and being lost, he woke up and knew he must find his way, or all the dreams of youth would be forever lost. He would not be governor or a GM vice-president. He was a regular guy like everyone else and he had better get married and settle down and raise a family….

1973.

Three months later, he was married. The marriage showed promise, but on his wedding day as he dressed with his cousin and best friend he silently thought of what should have been. His secret had been his alone and his family was very happy that Bobby Joe had found someone and they would live happily ever after. His wife was beautiful and outgoing and made up for his quiet, reserved behavior. They were a good combination. She was eight years older than Bobby so any thoughts of having children had been resolved. She had a young son. And on that day of his wedding, Bobby knew it was a mistake. But life had to go on. The automobile industry had yet to realize the coming oil shortages and changing market preferences. Long hours of work got projects finished and bank accounts improved. Bobby and his wife had somehow fallen in with a very well to do crowd and life was busy. His wife didn’t work, but spent most of her days with friends and constantly compared lifestyles. And Bobby kept working the long hours.

1977.

Four years later, the market was failing and the projects were no longer required. Bobby was home in the evenings and on the weekends. And now they had nothing in common – they were leading separate lives. They were strangers with different priorities and dreams. Much as a business deal is consummated, divorce was settled and plans made.

As the January marriage dissolution loomed, it was agreed they would stay together until after Christmas to keep from upsetting family plans. His wife’s son was a teenager and a junior in high school. On Christmas Eve, as they sat in the living room floor and exchanged gifts, it became too difficult to stay, so Bobby Joe left and drove to the funeral of his uncle. It was a sad time. He was lost again.

1978.

In January, Bobby lived in a sparsely furnished apartment in one of the fashionable complexes for singles. Their divorce had been final on January 30th and within a week he had met, by accident, a young woman named Ruth who worked for a company Bobby Joe was currently buying equipment from. Neither was interested in a serious relationship, so their frequent dinner dates were relaxed and easy. But they did begin to see each other regularly and exclusively. Sometime during that spring of 1978, Bobby got a phone call and that sweet, tender, hesitant, cherished voice from his past said, “This is an old friend of yours. This is Linda Marie.” Bobby’s heart truly melted and all those emotions he had carried for fifteen years welled up into a sea of love, shock, and tenderness. She told him that she had always wondered how he was and if he were happy. And that she simply had a need to hear his voice. Their conversation touched on all things. “Yes, she was still married to the same person and they now had two daughters!” and they lived in South Carolina. Her parents and both brothers had moved there from Flint and all were very happy. Her daughters were precious and were six and eight years old. Marriage had its ups and downs, but her daughters made all worthwhile! They talked easily for a long time and caught up on all the intervening years. Bobby told her he would like to keep in touch and simply talk as old cherished friends occasionally. She hesitated, but eventually agreed. The end of their conversation left both of them in a sad, joyous, tragic, happy, bittersweet frame of mind. No words of love were exchanged, nor were there any plans made to ever see each other.

The ensuing months were filled with dinner dates with Ruth and telephone calls to Linda Marie. And the inevitable began to happen. Bobby wanted to see Linda. She had finally told him that she had thought about leaving her husband several times, but always changed her mind because there was a certain love and affection for him and she couldn’t bear to take her daughters away from their father. So she had stayed. But always in autumn, during that special time of their love so long ago, she became restless and thought of Bobby Joe and autumn in Kentucky. She reluctantly agreed to see him briefly if he could come to South Carolina. The trip was planned and Bobby knew he must tell Ruth that he was going. Perhaps it would have been better not to, but eventually he did. And anger surfaced and he was told that if he went not to call her when he came back. And he went.

Their visit was as if they had never been apart. Their conversations were free and easy and uncomplicated. Each admitted still caring for the other and although no words of love were exchanged, each knew they still loved the other. They talked of the time of her marriage in 1967 and Linda asked Bobby why he had not called her back before her marriage and followed up on their plans. Bobby replied because of the phone call from her father and her wishes. She had not known of the phone call and had had no conversation with her father and assumed that Bobby had changed his mind. When he did not call, she went through with the marriage. And neither could say if there was wrong or blame to be assigned. Motives were unquestionably good. And who was to judge whether a mistake had been made? Perhaps it may have even been the right decision at that time. Their time now was as innocent as possible under the circumstances. She showed him pictures of her daughters and he immediately loved them deeply simply because they were a part of her. And there was regret, but regret had no place between them. Neither had really changed - only life and circumstance.

Their visits continued. And Bobby met her daughters and was introduced as her old college friend from Kentucky. Their brief times together were filled with love and tenderness and caring. And on one birthday, black jelly beans even surfaced. And Shaun Cassidy was a popular concert for young girls.

As the months passed, Linda and Bobby continued to talk. There were times they wanted to be together and times they knew they wouldn’t be. Time passed.

1979.

In November, Bobby Joe’s father developed acute leukemia and died suddenly. He was sixty-seven. It was a painful time only made bearable by sharing his grief with Linda Marie. The past year had been a difficult time filled with worry and heartache. It was a time of moving on and of staying in the same place. It was a time of hope and despair. It was a time of indecision. There was love and caring and tenderness and yet each sensed that these were stolen moments and there was an inevitable sadness to their love. There were happy times in South Carolina with her family and happy times in Ohio and Kentucky, but their bond was never broken.

And the flame burned brightly....

1980.

Time passed and life stood still. They were episodes of trying to forget each other and to go on with life as it was. There were tears and sadness and heartache and loneliness. Each knew they could not change their love, but each tried to comfort and make it easier for the other. The year slipped uneventfully by....

1981.

The loss of Bobby’s father was a difficult blow to his family. He had been the beacon in the storm for the family. Bobby’s two sisters were grown and living their own lives in Lexington. His brother was a senior in high school and had lost some interest in school and becoming an Eagle Scout. Household repairs and financial matters were of concern. Bobby Joe now had worked sixteen years for GM, but was not making headway in his quest for vice-president. His relationship with Ruth, who lived in Cincinnati, had continued and Linda Marie was unsuccessfully trying to rejuvenate her life in South Carolina. In February after a dark period of despair, Bobby realized the only solution was for him to move back home to Lexington. He began a successful job search and in May moved to Lexington. Time passed and life stood still. Linda and he still kept in touch and shared everything. And it seemed they might find the resolve to change their lives. And as events hinted of possible success, Bobby’s old nemesis thought reappeared. “Provide well for....” Now he had to think of his mother, his brother, Linda Marie, and two young daughters. His new employer seemed particularly hit by the economic recession and collapse of the construction industry. Jimmy Carter was probably the most honest man to ever occupy the White House, but the economy was a quagmire. The year passed.

And still the flame burned....

1982.

The year began as the previous ended. And it ended as it began. Life stood still. And there were dark days of quiet desperation. Bobby’s employer was forced to make drastic cuts and changes. As a manager, he had to make difficult cost cutting choices. And he realized the company could not continue as it was. And now there was truly little hope. He had lost the governorship, the GM vice-presidency, and now his very job was on the line. It was not a time to make commitments. Again, Bobby knew that he could not provide for such an extended family and once again he made what he perceived to be the unselfish decision. Linda Marie was unhappy and losing weight and torn between her happiness and that of her family. Somehow the decision was made. It was not spoken for neither could say the words that would end their love and hope. As he felt she always had, she seemed to sense his anguish and did what she knew he could not do himself. Their letters stopped, their phone calls stopped, and each dealt with the loss as best they could. The dream would never be.


And the flame flickered again....

Within a few months, the inevitable happened and his job was eliminated. He was without work and, before long, found himself standing in line at Manpower Services for day work moving furniture and crating boxes at the local peanut butter factory. He washed bird droppings off truck terminal overhead doors. Lexington was not an industrial town and the demand for industrial tycoons was very selective. As the year wore on and hopes dimmed for meaningful employment in Lexington, he realized he would probably have to return North.

1983.

Early in the year, it was decided that his mother and brother would move in with his sister and her husband. And Bobby Joe again drove north on I-75 looking for work. But this time the plan was to settle in Cincinnati. GM was laying off thousands of people and that was not an alternative. The relationship with Ruth had been started anew and the search for employment began. In the summer, he obtained full time work as a warehouse manager at a food distributor back in Dayton. In that restless fall, he and Ruth decided to get married. Linda was again lost forever. Bobby and Ruth were married in October on Halloween. And again on his wedding day, as he dressed, Bobby knew he would never love anyone as he loved Linda. In December, a friend from GM called and offered a job at the plant in Rochester, N.Y. It was decided that they would make the sacrifice and he would move alone to New York and either eventually transfer back to Dayton or Ruth and her daughter would move there.

1996.

Another uneventful thirteen years had passed. Bobby Joe and Ruth now lived in Dayton and he had worked for GM for twenty-nine years. Ruth’s daughter was grown, college educated, and on her own. Bobby was fifty-one years old. Things had worked out OK. He was now a senior buyer and purchased machinery and equipment for Delphi Automotive Systems. Life was at the point where “things” should be getting better. Their marriage had not worked out as hoped, but how many did? Life was like a train ride. You sit fastened in a seat and watch the scenery go by. You realize there is no engineer and that the train is simply ambling down the tracks to the end of the line. Bobby felt as if he put a lot of love, time, energy, and effort into the marriage and the reward was an opportunity to do even more. Like so many men living in quiet desperation, he accepted his lot and made the best of it. Their marriage had deteriorated into one of convenience and one day was like the next. They were not close, but put up the ever-present smiles for the family. Retirement was not something to look forward to - it would be more of the same. Sex was a monthly obligation dutifully fulfilled. But this summer had been a particularly cold one for their relationship. Love had set and there was no impending dawn. And in that special time from so long ago, autumn, Bobby Joe grew restless. He thought of those precious days in the past and wondered. One night he dreamed that he was on one of those Swiss Alps where the Riccolo farmers in the TV commercial picked their herbs and flowers. And suddenly Linda Marie was rushing down the mountainside as in the Clairol commercial. As they ran toward each other, he noticed, in the dream, Ruth stooping a few yards away and watching them. There was no reaction, merely detached observation. As Linda and Bobby Joe fell into each other’s arms, he picked her up and they walked away up the mountainside into the mist.

In the fall of 1996, that special time of the year, Bobby Joe was discussing life’s little twists and turns with his best friend, Larry, whom he had known and worked with for over twenty years. Larry had been divorced for about that long. And he knew of Bobby and Ruth’s relationship and unhappy marriage. Bobby told him about Linda and their love over the past thirty-three years. Bobby had no idea where Linda was now, but Larry was enthusiastic about finding her on “the Internet.” Bobby was tempted but after several days turned down his friend’s offer. There had been too much heartache for a lifetime. So he filled his thoughts with a dream that he would be happy with spending a weekend a year with Linda until he died. Somewhere along the way, there had been a movie similar to this. Was it Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice? He knew it would never happen but it got him through the daily longing. It comforted him when he stood in his back yard at night and looked at the stars and knew that somewhere Linda was underneath those same stars; maybe even having the same thoughts. Even the fearless little owl sitting in the back yard one night became a messenger from Linda reminding him of her love. Bobby assumed that Linda and her family still lived in South Carolina and often drove through Dayton on their way to family in Michigan. So he constantly watched traffic while driving on the expressway to see if perhaps he might see her. Not being very computer literate, he made occasional calls to “information” for several of the towns in South Carolina but there were no listings. In November, with some guidance from his friend he began a search on the Internet. And it didn’t take long to find her.




If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love,
You have to find the courage to live it.
- John Irving




All things on earth point home in old October:
Sailors to sea, travelers to walls and fences,
Hunters to field and hollow
The lover to the love he has forsaken.
- Thomas Wolfe












And, again, Bobby was faced with the decision as to whether or not to call her. He knew he couldn’t resist. Most probably, she would hang up on him after a short message not to contact her. When she answered the phone, her “Hello,” at least in Bobby’s mind, was a flat, joyless expression of boredom. His heart ached to hear that tone from her. When he hesitantly told her who it was, the tone changed. The conversation was a blur to both.

Linda had been married for thirty years and had two grown daughters in their twenties, one in Philadelphia and one in Atlanta.

And once again, as moths to the flame, it was as if no time had passed and they talked constantly. And sometime in the next few months, it became inevitable. There would be no heartbreaking goodbyes and no everyday longing for the one person that could bring happiness.

The following year was a tumult of lawyers and cries of betrayal and anger but it finally happened. Neither Bobby Joe nor Linda Marie would have ever thought such a thing would happen to them. But it did.

Bobby Joe had worked for GM for thirty-one years but at age fifty-two, they made the decision to retire early and move to the mountains of Western North Carolina. They would be about mid-way between their two families. In March, they were married and retired and moved to a modest little home on top of a mountain overlooking the Blue Ridge and Smokey Mountains. It was remote and family and friends were astonished, but they understood that time and each other would be closely guarded. They filled their days with each other and whatever time was left over, Linda spent with her hobbies of cross-stitching, gardening, sewing, quilt making, and cooking. Bobby Joe spent that left over time woodworking, growing a rose garden, and generally trying to keep the forest at bay around their nest. There were many trips to visit family and lots of company. Life was idyllic.

The following year began under a cloud of fear that with the coming new millennium, all the world’s computer systems would crash. The dot-com “bubble” burst and sent stock markets plummeting. Rumors of war with Iraq were rife. And then Linda and Bobby’s bubble burst. His sister’s husband, Al, became critically ill. Al and Bobby were like brothers. They had shared so many tribulations and many victories. After driving to visit him in Hospice, they spent the night with Bobby’s mother.

In the middle of the night, Bobby awoke with pain, a racing heartbeat, and sweating. A 911 call ended up with a diagnosis of congestive heart failure and a several day stay in the hospital where Al was. Al died a few days later. Al’s loss was almost inconsolable. Linda and Bobby went home to their mountaintop and further tests. After the usual tests and prescriptions, doctors pronounced him fairly healthy and prescribed the usual do’s and don’ts. The episode made them just treasure each day more. But there was no terrifying prognosis. After a few months of both of them getting comfortable with what had happened, life returned to almost normal.

Bobby’s friend of twenty years, Larry, was an ultra-light pilot and owned several. It was his passion. Bobby shared no such feeling but often went to the airport and admired the planes and marveled at the courage it took to fly such a thing. A year or so before Bobby retired, Larry agreed to be a test pilot for a company building a new streamlined fiberglass bodied ultra-light. It was a wonderful design advancement and after some minor tweaks, Larry agreed to fly it at an air show in Florida that spring shortly after Bobby and Linda moved to North Carolina. No one ever knew what happened but the plane lost power and nose-dived into the ground. Larry had always been one of those people who said, “Well, if I die at it, at least I will die doing what I love!” There was no consolation for Bobby Joe.

Two months later, after a routine visit to Linda Marie’s doctor, the dreaded “callback” resulted in a diagnosis of endometrial cancer. Neither ever having been seriously injured or ill, fear was unavoidable. In spite of all the medical reassurances, time was suddenly the most precious of all things. Each tried to be brave and not show that fear, but each knew it was there. Linda Marie made light of it to family and friends to the point that no one really understood the seriousness. On the day of the surgery, Bobby’s other sister and her husband were returning to Kentucky from a trip to Charlotte and stopped by the hospital. Linda was sedated to the point she wasn’t aware they were there. Bobby Joe spent every waking moment wondering if he had spent a lifetime loving this dear woman only to lose her after a year.

The surgery was successful. The cancer was in the early stages and the surgeon (Linda’s doctor) had caught the cancer in time. The doctor prescribed some rehab time and pronounced Linda to be completely healthy.

Bobby and Linda would be forever grateful to her doctor for the early diagnosis and care she gave them.

It took many months for the two to recover from the events of the first part of the year. But quiet times, peaceful places, and loving hearts helped to heal and to fill the voids. They spent eight more years on their mountaintop, making good friends, pursuing their hobbies, visiting friends and family, and entertaining friends and family. At one time they entertained the idea of moving to Mexico near Guadalajara but when it became serious, they knew it was too far from family. After almost ten years in the mountains, the lure of city life and its conveniences caused them to pull up stakes and move to Chattanooga.

Today, they spend their time exploring their new city and state, still pursuing their hobbies, growing a little older, and loving more….

STILL no country for old men

Damn, I don't feel like an old man! But facts are proving me otherwise. On Wednesday evening, March 24th, I carried three really heavy trash bags of yard debris to the curb for pickup the next morning. After the third one, I realized I was quite out of breath and turned toward the garage. Anne stepped into the garage from the house to check on me and as I walked up to her in the garage, it felt like I had been suddenly electrocuted! A BRIGHT white flash and a jolt that knocked me down and as I went down, I grabbed Anne and fell full length on top of her. She was in terrible pain and I asked her, "What happened?" She said, "You fell." I was trying to figure out how I got electrocuted when suddenly it zapped me again and then I realized it was the implanted defib that was jolting me. It felt as if it was knocking me up off the floor and causing my arms to fly up above my head. The pain was truly like being kicked in the chest by a mule. By my laying on top of her she felt the first two jolts also. Thirty seconds later it happened again and Anne asked if I "could do this...." and I said, "No, call 911." Twenty minutes elapsed from the initial event until the ambulance got there. In that 20 minutes, the defib went off twenty-eight times. After Anne called 911, she came back out and squatted down behind me and held me up while the damn thing went off about every 30 seconds. I didn't think I was going to make it. Anne's back was spasming and her legs cramping from squatting to hold me up and yet she held me tenderly, and strongly, and firmly and kept encouraging me. By the time the EMTs arrived the defib was quiet. They got me "plugged in" and off to Park Ridge Hospital.

By the time we arrived at Park Ridge, I was calm and back to normal. The plan was to stabilize me and transfer me to the VA/Vanderbilt hospital in Nashville. As it turned out in the next day and a half, they had no beds available. So on Friday afternoon, we and the doctors agreed I could be discharged but on Monday, I would have to go to the arrhythmia clinic in Nashville and get checked out. We went home and later that afternoon, the VA called and said the doctor would not be in on Monday, -- come on Tuesday. No problem. I was feeling OK.

Saturday evening just as we went to bed I climbed two flights of stairs -- got to the bedroom, barely, and the first of another six jolts fired within about 15 minutes. EMTs got here pretty quickly, I related the past few days and they highly recommended my going to Memorial Hospital downtown. A TOP 100 hospital in the country. SO we felt it was time to change our medical PCPs and cardiologists -- they said I needed an electrophysiologist -- in cardiology, that's an "electrician" where others are "plumbers." So we were off to Memorial on Sunday morning about 1:00 am. On Tuesday, March 30th (I believe), Dr, Gbadebo performed an ablation -- a procedure wherein they run a wire up through the groin into the heart and try to make the "troubled" nerve endings fire so they can deaden them, one at a time. That's my layman's explanation. It was to have taken about an hour and a half and I wouldn't remember anything. For whatever reason, the procedure lasted five and a half hours and I was NEVER asleep but fully awake and sensitive to the manipulation of the wire. After about ten minutes, I started to move a finger and the doctor said, "You cannot move anything." Are you serious? Not even scratch my nose? Not move a muscle? Yep. So, I laid there 5 1/2 hours unable to move a muscle, fully conscious, sweat rolling down my face and not understanding what happened to the "hour and a half procedure." I was aware when it was getting late -- some nurses left and some were replaced. But we got through it. The procedure is supposed to minimize my A-fib going haywire and causing a seriously imbalanced beating. They told me that in that first episode of 28 firings, there were six times that w/o it, my heart would have failed.

Today, April 10th, I am doing so much better -- almost back to normal except for some frequent "tics" or hiccups" or diaphramatic interruptions, that occur when bending over, or sitting. They may get better, they may go away, or I may have to live with them -- we don't know yet. They are a little tiring. I climbed the stairs to bed last night with just a little "tiredness" -- doctor scolded me Thursday for not doing that sooner. I showered and shampooed by myself this morning. We may even go  out to dinner tonight,,,, He said there was no need for any cardio rehab exercising. I admit there is still some residual fear on both our parts, but that improves with each new thing I do. Anne is doing all the driving and, for that matter, EVERYTHING ELSE. Everything.

I have nothing but praise for the VA but I had to change and have my doctors here and a hospital that will get me in when needed w/o a 2 1/2 hour drive. It will cost more -- our BCBS finds lots of reasons not to pay this or that, but then we enroll in Medicare June and July -- $514.00/mo for both of us for Medicare, Medigap and a modest dental plan!

Well, I'm not sure what the point of posting this is, but perhaps it is a little therapeutic to put it into words and face the facts and events.

Best wishes to everyone.